Trust Me, I’m a Doctor

It’s June 15th and I’ve only blogged once this month. Totally unacceptable. Totally. But I have a good excuse. It’s summer. I’m working. My kids are out of school. My dogs are needy. The laundry never stops. And I’ve been a bit under the weather.

Not Serious-Under-the-Weather, just enough for a little self-diagnosis and medication. It’s a pretty scary thing to engage in, this self-diagnosis. In the age of the Internet, the more you dig through symptoms, the more you can be convinced you’re about to die. On the spot. A horrible, writhing mess. A painful, prolonged death.

Over the past week, I’ve been fairly certain I have multiple tumors, third world parasites, and ailments that normally only affect African American males over the age of 60.

But I did land on something that makes a bit of sense.

Menopause. Early menopause. You know why? Just take a look at these top symptoms:

1. Hot Flashes

2. Night Sweats

3. Irregular Periods

4. Loss of Libido

5. Vaginal Dryness

6. Mood Swings

7. Fatigue

8. Hair Loss

9. Sleep Disorders

10. Difficulty Concentrating

11. Memory Lapses

12. Dizziness

13. Weight Gain

14. Incontinence

15. Bloating

16. Allergies

17. Brittle Nails

18. Changes in Odor

19. Irregular Heartbeat

20. Depression

21. Anxiety

22. Irritability

23. Panic Disorder

24. Breast Pain

25. Headaches

26. Joint Pain

27. Burning Tongue (What does that even MEAN??)

28. Electric Shocks

29. Digestive Problems

30. Gum Problems

31. Muscle Tension

32. Itchy Skin

33. Tingling Extremities

34. Osteoporosis

I’m intimately familiar with about 95% of those symptoms. I won’t tell you which ones, but as I sit here sweating through my PJs, I will admit that my nails are not brittle.

I’m quite sure, in fact, that I’ve been going through menopause since I was twelve. Mary Claire might even be going through it right now. It’s probably hereditary. I’m going to have to look that up.

Seriously, this online self-diagnosis is akin to what I like to call “Amazon’s Swirling Vortex of Death.” You know the one. It goes like this… “Others who purchased this remote control helicopter also purchased this…” And by the time four short hours have passed, your virtual cart is filled with an electric scooter, wide-ruled notebook paper, a book on origami, and four new all-terrain tires.

Except when you head down the “Self-Diagnosis Swirling Circle of Death,” you might literally end up with… well, death. Or at least something that will cause irreparable harm to your pancreas.

If I’m not going through early menopause, I’ve probably got schistosomiasis. Don’t look it up. Just don’t.

Or perhaps, I’m just a bit under the weather.

Either way, I’m going to have a glass of wine, get off the Internet, and snuggle in with a good book.

And a high-powered fan.

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About Katrina Anne Willis

Author, friend, lover, dreamer, drinker of red wine.
This entry was posted in Big Thinks, Me Myself And I and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Trust Me, I’m a Doctor

  1. Dawn Pier says:

    OMG, I thought you were actually admitting that you have vaginal dryness ON THE INTERNET! Phew…it’s just a list…of “common” symptoms. Nothing a Vicodin can’t make feel a lot better and if you’re looking for a little unmentionable dryness with a side of constipation (surprised that’s not on the list!), then pop away! 😉 Get well my friend, get well.

  2. Maria Zarif says:

    Katrina, I miss your writing! Or is it me who doesn’t get on your blog anymore that often… Either way, I think the whole world is currently suffering from the disease, as I believe we all go through those ” symptoms”. Whatever it is, I hope you are doing good and have a fantastic day!

  3. Audrey says:

    I’m glad you were able to stop in and post, have missed you! I’m struggling to get my posts out this month too.
    My mom’s going through menopause right now too (I’m least of the two options, I’m hoping that’s what’s up) and she’s not making it sound like something I’ll look forward to. Enjoy the wine, the book, and fan along with everything else that’s keeping you busy! 🙂

  4. I hope you feel better soon!

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